there's paper in my vomit.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
