I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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