I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
