somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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