she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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