it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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