If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
