I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
