That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
