got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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