thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Randomize
