I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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