haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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