After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
