please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
