Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
