I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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