If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
