One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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