My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
