You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
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