my mouth tastes like poor choices
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
