just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
This baby is an asshole
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
