You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
