Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
