I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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