So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
