Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
