Swine flu is the new snow day.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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