I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
