I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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