And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
