I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
