apparently the secret to your success is patron
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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