Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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