He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
