Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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