I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
