you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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