chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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