I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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