so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
