I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I know her cup size but not her name....
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
