omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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