Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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