So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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