You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
