So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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