Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
