The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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