whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm passing your future prison.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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