Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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