she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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