drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
