I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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