I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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