Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
