I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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