he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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