I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
